


Sleepless and Sassy

by RonniRotten



Series: Sandypants One-Shots (SFW) [6]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Age Difference, Drunken Confessions, Existential Dread, Food, Gen, Implied Logicality, Innuendo, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, do not copy to other sites, implied dukexiety, implied remeile, implied roceit, platonic sleepxiety - Freeform, sleepxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 13:09:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20779106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonniRotten/pseuds/RonniRotten
Summary: Virgil and Remy are night owls and best friends, it's amazing that they can stay in the whole time





	Sleepless and Sassy

**Author's Note:**

> Based off [this prompt](https://the-duke-of-deodorant.tumblr.com/post/187931999293/i-like-to-think-remy-and-virgil-could-stay-up) by @the-duke-of-deodorant on tumblr

“What is up bitches!” Remy cheered as he entered the town house. Patton smiled at him and waved with a mouthful of spaghetti. Logan glanced at him from over his textbook and fought back a groan. Remy was there to plan their next concert outing, and he had four treinta sized coffees in his hand. Those coffees were for him and Virgil. It was going to be a long night.

“Greetings Remy, Virgil is in his room, shall I inform him of your arrival?” Logan asked. 

“Lo Lo, I got this! Thanks boo!” Remy laughed and climbed the stairs to greet Virge. They had work to do. 

**6 hours later…**

“And so I was all like, gurl I am a cheap hoe but I have standards!” Remy giggled and took a sip of his second drink, sitting on Virgil’s bed.

“I can’t believe someone asked if you were seeing Ree.” Virgil snorted, “He doesn’t touch anyone as publicly debauched as him." 

"Gurl that was low, and here I am bringing you espresso and tickets that I weaseled off an unsuspecting snacc!” Remy huffed indignantly. And Virge laughed, earning himself the lowered-glasses glare of judgement. That only made him laugh harder. 

“I did not come all the way over here to be insulted! No Ma'am!” Remy huffed, I am outta here!“ He got up but Virgil stopped him with something better than coffee.

"If you go, I can’t give you the hottest tea of the year.” Virgil hummed knowingly. Remy craned his neck and smirked at him. 

“Hot tea at midnight? You know I’m all about it. Spill!” Virgil motioned to the bed and rolled his neck. Remy sat down immediately, this would be good!

“So you know how Pickle Boy is trying to get with the snake?” Virgil hummed and studied his nails, ignoring the way Remy leaned forward excitedly.

“Yeah, there had better be more than that." 

"Oh, there is,” Virgil hummed, “there is. You know how Cucumber is the top party queen when he’s not at rehearsal, and he gets hammered? Well—” Remy was leaning in closer and closer to catch every last drop, “–he was smashed as usual and the snake was there just minding his own business and Cucumber latches onto him and starts yelling." 

"Ooh gurl He did that?” Remy squealed. Virgil nodded and took a sip of his coffee before continuing. 

“It was a huge scene, the secondhand embarrassment was strong. He was bitching about how the snake was a big dumb jerk and flirt who was just getting closer to him so he could get with Pickle Boy and he didn’t care about his feelings _for him_." 

"No! No! You mean Cucumber and Pickle Boy both want some snake?! Babe I need more! Spill!" 

"Sure. Because after that Cucumber puked on him and I had to help them both get back to their apartment. And the snake flat out told me that he has feelings for Cucumber but doesn’t want to lose his best friend in the process. And Cucumber heard it." 

"But he was drunk, do you think he’d remember?” Remy asked. Virgil shrugged and pulled out his phone, opening his text messages. He handed the phone to Remy with a smirk.

“Oh my God, gurl, I can’t even!” Remy giggled, “And he thinks you should get with _Pickle Boy_? You have me!" 

"I think he means in a different context than late-night tea buddy.” Virgil pouted. Remy chuckled and lowered his sunglasses.

“So he thinks you can replace the snake for him, huh?” Remy wiggled his eyebrows, “then you better know how to—” Virge smacked him in the face with a pillow and scowled. 

“I’m not gonna be the rebound again." 

"Virgy these glasses are Gucci. Try that stunt again and no tea is gonna be hot enough to keep me here!”

**Two hours later…**

“Do you think it’s wrong to have feelings for someone older than you? Like romantic feelings?” Remy asked while scrolling through his phone. Virgil glanced down at the figure lounging on his bed and shrugged. 

“How much older are we talking?” Virgil asked and adjusted on his perch atop the dresser. 

“Ten years. It’s weird, right? But I just want to hold him and keep him safe. He’s so precious.” Remy swooned.

“He’s Dr. Picani, isn’t he?" 

"Yeah, the psych prof. I mean I guess it’s a little bit weird. The age thing is definitely squicky, but gurl I’m not even his student. We met at a karaoke bar and just talked. And I felt something for him before he told me he was a professor. Like I’m a consenting adult and he’s the first person in a long time who I wanted to cuddle and kiss and watch the stars with without even thinking about sex as a possibility. Like that innocent romantic stuff." 

"You are graduating next semester, and you aren’t going for a doctorate. Maybe you should keep him close as a friend before you make a move. And I mean the age is squicky, but it’s not that bad and you are an adult. So yeah, patience and that shit." 

"Hun, how the hell are you so smart and so dumb at the same time?" 

"Could you elaborate on that one? I need to know how insulted I should be." 

"You have some great advice for everyone else about relationships, you even got Logan and Patton together. But you’re still single. You are an English and Marketing double major with a great GPA and free time, and yet you toss away every chance thrown at you as if you think you aren’t worth shit." 

"Every opportunity? Well give me one that isn’t someone out to use me and I might consider it." 

"Give it a shot with Ree.”

“Rebound, hello. I might like him but he’s never been interested in me so why force it." 

"Babe, never? Are you blind? He has a major crush on you. The snake is his rebound, and that’s the tea sis.” Remy huffed and rolled onto his side to face Virge.

“You really think he would?" 

"Why not? You’re witty, caring, snarky, sarcastic, hot, chill, and into a lot of the same stuff. And you can do that thing with your voice that makes me want to jump you." 

"I can give it a shot. But first we need to find a place that delivers at this hour. I’m starving." 

"I know just the place!" 

**Two hours later…**

Virgil cleared away the trash from the kitchen table and yawned. Remy lounged in his seat and hummed softly to himself as he wiggled to a song stuck in his head. Who knew that Greek diner’s food tasted better at night? Greek food was always good. 

"Do you think that if Plato could see the world today he would hate it?” Remy ask Virgil as he prepared a pot of coffee. He rubbed his ear to get rid of the annoying ringing sound that suddenly plagued him, figuring it was just his tinnitus. It went away.

“Yeah. Abstract art is all over the place, his ideal beauty is nowhere to be found, and women are considered people. The real question is, how would the average person today react to life back then. We only know so much about it through broken translations and biased stories." 

"Yeah it’s like what the hell is real?" 

"Is there such a thing as real?” Virgil shot back, conveniently ignoring the creak on the stairs.

*My god it is 4am! Both of you should be asleep!“ Logan groaned when he saw the pair in the kitchen. He was gonna lose it. Take-out and more coffee? 

"Oh is it 4 already?” Virgil shrugged, “Time flies, L.” Logan pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled sharply. Remy bit back his snickering at the thought of getting a full Logan rant from a man in a bathrobe and bunny slippers.

“I’m well aware, and now that you know what time it is, you can do the wise thing and go to bed." 

"Babe the _wise_ thing is pointing out that you’re awake at 4am.” Remy jeered. 

“Wise _ass_.” Virgil corrected.

“Deadass!” Remy giggled as Logan’s ears turned red. He opened his mouth to argue again but Virgil cut him off. 

“L, go back to bed, it’s too late to save us, we aren’t tired and we have class at 8." 

"I expect to see you both napping when I get back from my last class. Is that clear?” Logan ceded reluctantly and crossed his arms. Virgil nodded while Remy snapped and finger-gunned at him.

“Sweet dreams, Teach, don’t let the existential dread bite!” Remy hummed, “Unless you want it to, you kinky son of a—" 

"Good night.” Logan huffed and swiftly made his way to bed. Virgil and Remy shared a knowing glance and snickered. Logan knew them all too well. 

**Two hours later…**

It was exactly 6:30 in the morning. How did they know? Patton came downstairs in his cat onesie with messy hair and a tired smile. The discussion on the purpose of creation came to an immediate halt. 

“Morning Virge! Morning Remy! How was your night?” Patton asked the pair sitting at the table, who were slightly jittery but still coherent and relaxed. 

“It was chill, Pat. How did you sleep?" 

"I slept like the baby I am.” Patton giggled, “I only fell into existential dread for like twenty minutes and then I had a dream about Hercules, so it was a pretty good night!" 

"Babe. Twenty minutes? Damn son, that’s like way shorter than usual!” Remy gasped.

“I’m not a son! I’m a dad—in training!” Patton giggled, “And Papa Bear needs some pancakes! You two want any?”

“Babe, I would love some, but I gotta get back to my apartment and get ready for class. It’s lame but so is blowing my money on this shit.” Remy said and got up.

“Oh I hear you on that, kiddo!” Patton said as he brought out the griddle, “See ya later then!”

“Bye babe! Don’t have too much fun with Lo-Lo, he’s grumpy!” Remy called as he headed for the front door, with Virgil close behind, to be a good host. When they were at the threshold, Remy turned to Virgil and lowered his glasses, which meant business.

“You’re gonna get Pickle Boy and take him on a date, got it? I can set everything up but, hun, you gotta ask him, and text me when you do.”

“You’re not gonna leave me alone until I do.” Virgil frowned. 

“You know me well! So get your ass in gear bitch, you have til the concert to do it, or else.”

“Or else?”

“Or else you’ll have to deal with me every night from midnight to dawn, without Starbies.”

“You monster!” Virgil snarled. Remy winked and exited with a wave.

“Your favorite kind! Lates boo-boo!” he cheered and wandered off. Virgil sighed and shook his head. Best friends were both the best and the worst. Remy was the woo-oorst, he’s the worst, like Jean-Ralphio, but Virgil wouldn’t change that for the world.


End file.
